To My First Born on his Last Night as an Only.


This is taken verbatim (yes, as in unedited) from the handwritten journal the I keep for Owen.  I sat at our dining room table and sobbed as I wrote this:

11/20/09

I sit here nine days before the due date of our second child.  As with all expecting mothers in this position I reflect on my time with you, Owen.  These 26 months with you have been the most amazing and special of my life.  The bond that you and I share is exceptional.  There are times when you look at me that I can see the stars in your eyes.  When I look at you everything else disappears and your beautiful face is all that I see.  

You awe me every day.  You are not only filled with joy, but you bring joy to anyone you are with- from family to your teacher (who always has the most wonderful things to say about you).  

You regularly say to me now “mommy, you’re my best friend in the whole world.”  The sensation that comes over me when you say that is not describable using the vocabulary that I know.

Being apart from you is physically painful for me, and I only feel “right” when we are together.  Don’t worry though- we make sure you spend lots of time with people other than me!

As I prepare for our family to grow, I pray that I have given you all that I was capable of while it was just we two.  Mostly, I know how much I have loved and respected you as a little human being.

You regularly look at me, gently stroke my face and say; “that’s my mommy” and “I love my mommy” with such love in your voice.  What amazes me is that at only two years old you feel the same about me as I do you.

And you are so patient, understanding and compassionate.  If you ask for something that we aren’t able to give you, once we explain why you simply say “oh, otay” and that is the end of it.  You accept it and move on.  Or, if I am really tired and in need of a rest, you play quietly or sit on the couch with me watching TV or reading books- ok, mostly watching TV!

Logically I know that a sibling is one of the very best gifts that your dad and I can give you and we are filled with joy to be expanding our wonderful family.  It is also hard as your mom to think about how much your world is going to change- and though you seem to understand it more than we thought possible, it is heartbreaking to realize how little you comprehend about the change before us.

The entry stops here because I had to call my doctor.

Sydney was born the next day.

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