My motherhood is a constant contradiction of wanting to be with my children so much that I do not want to leave them to work, and being so bored from playing cars that I desperately want to be in an office full of adults.
My motherhood is the moment of seeing my children after hours or days of not being present. Of letting our moments together pass unnoticed, as I went through the motions of meeting only their most basic needs.
My motherhood is bloodshot eyes from a night without sleep, and still needing to ensure the health and safety of two people incapable of doing so themselves.
It is the loss of patience credited to too many hours spent with only my whining, demanding children.
It is an endorphin rush from an unexpected gesture of affection from one of my beautiful babies.
It is pure wonderment as I climb into bed because I have nothing tangible to represent another day completed.
It is mental longing to be doing something other than spending time with people under the age of five, and a physical pull that keeps me in the same space with my children.
It is a flash of regret after reaching frustrations point of no return.
It is the feeling of pure joy and child like giddiness that comes from watching my two children laugh together and enjoy each other.
My motherhood is a morning spent giving my two young children baths, mindlessly. And enviously thinking of those accomplishing tangible goals at the very same moment, like providing a report to their boss, or the sale of a newly designed cake.
It is understanding that this is my choice, and that I continue to choose this daily.
It is comprehending that not too long from now, I likely will affectionately and longingly recall these days, when my primary focus was caring for, teaching and shaping my children.
My motherhood is desperately trying to remember this while I wipe another snotty nose.
It is an overwhelming contradiction of dejection and joy, with no resources readily available to make sense of or combat it. And knowing that even if I could find tools to help me navigate motherhood, I would have no time to utilize them.
My motherhood is, by design, two tiny people who are the priority in my life. And the acceptance that really, I believe this is for better not worse.